Expectations

All the people I have come across in my 21 years are compounded in a hierarchy. The categories are titled along the lines of Family, Favourite People, Good Friends, Acquaintances, People I Only Need to be on Good Terms With, etc. I can't detail everything perfectly off the top of my head but it's all there. I built it up piece by piece over the course of time because of the need to protect myself from certain people and certain expectations that I might have of them. I wasn't always used to putting up barriers to friendship. Anyone I met was immediately my friend and before long I was baring my soul to them. But then you grow up and meet alot more people and soon realise that not everyone wants to be your friend the way you see them. For example, you treat this person like someone very important to you. And you believe the person treats you the same way too because in front of you, that's the facade you see. But gradually you become aware that you're not as special as you thought you were; you're only his friend for as long as he needs help with his homework, has no one else to hang out with, or simply because you two go a long way back. And the consequent ache that seeps in... I don't know how to describe it. A mixture of disappointment? Hurt? Anger? I am way too vulnerable to these sort of emotions. They do my head and heart in and sometimes it's pressingly difficult to move on.

But the hierarchy made things a whole lot better. The database in my head sifts through and organises my relationships, processing the qualities and personalities of each person, calculating my input versus their output to see how much time, effort and trust I need to put into the relationship. For instance, a person I meet for the first time would usually fall under Acquaintance - over time he may or may not progress into a higher category, one that entails a deeper amount of respect, care, trust and expectation, depending on whether we choose to nurture the little seed of friendship that has been sown. Conversely, it is also possible for someone to be 'demoted' to a lower category. Someone pointed out that it sounds kinda unethical to be shifting people down whenever I like but it's an exceedingly rare occurrence. I like the concept of second chances and I really would try to work at a disheartening relationship before giving it up. Furthermore, a close friendship doesn't blossom overnight and I am inclined to be more wary when moving people up the ladder.

This might all just sound eerily robotic to you but it isn't as well planned as it sounds. The policy is still very much susceptible to my emotions (although less than without it), thirdfourthfifthsixthseventheighthninthtenthetc chances, and there aren't any strict rules like 50-50 giving and taking when someone moves up or down the hierarchy. In fact it's like Spamguard; it reduces junk mail but doesn't guarantee none at all. But it helps. And in this harsh world where everyone is flawed, materialistic, and there are lots of people who are happy to trample on you to get what they want, I think we all need some form of self-protection to make it through our earthly time. The ride is constantly bumpy, but I take comfort in Big Poppa and the ones I need and who need me. If you're reading this and are curious as to where you stand in my intriguing little structure - well let's just say I wouldn't have told you about this blog if I didn't think it would matter much to you at all :)