Expectations

All the people I have come across in my 21 years are compounded in a hierarchy. The categories are titled along the lines of Family, Favourite People, Good Friends, Acquaintances, People I Only Need to be on Good Terms With, etc. I can't detail everything perfectly off the top of my head but it's all there. I built it up piece by piece over the course of time because of the need to protect myself from certain people and certain expectations that I might have of them. I wasn't always used to putting up barriers to friendship. Anyone I met was immediately my friend and before long I was baring my soul to them. But then you grow up and meet alot more people and soon realise that not everyone wants to be your friend the way you see them. For example, you treat this person like someone very important to you. And you believe the person treats you the same way too because in front of you, that's the facade you see. But gradually you become aware that you're not as special as you thought you were; you're only his friend for as long as he needs help with his homework, has no one else to hang out with, or simply because you two go a long way back. And the consequent ache that seeps in... I don't know how to describe it. A mixture of disappointment? Hurt? Anger? I am way too vulnerable to these sort of emotions. They do my head and heart in and sometimes it's pressingly difficult to move on.

But the hierarchy made things a whole lot better. The database in my head sifts through and organises my relationships, processing the qualities and personalities of each person, calculating my input versus their output to see how much time, effort and trust I need to put into the relationship. For instance, a person I meet for the first time would usually fall under Acquaintance - over time he may or may not progress into a higher category, one that entails a deeper amount of respect, care, trust and expectation, depending on whether we choose to nurture the little seed of friendship that has been sown. Conversely, it is also possible for someone to be 'demoted' to a lower category. Someone pointed out that it sounds kinda unethical to be shifting people down whenever I like but it's an exceedingly rare occurrence. I like the concept of second chances and I really would try to work at a disheartening relationship before giving it up. Furthermore, a close friendship doesn't blossom overnight and I am inclined to be more wary when moving people up the ladder.

This might all just sound eerily robotic to you but it isn't as well planned as it sounds. The policy is still very much susceptible to my emotions (although less than without it), thirdfourthfifthsixthseventheighthninthtenthetc chances, and there aren't any strict rules like 50-50 giving and taking when someone moves up or down the hierarchy. In fact it's like Spamguard; it reduces junk mail but doesn't guarantee none at all. But it helps. And in this harsh world where everyone is flawed, materialistic, and there are lots of people who are happy to trample on you to get what they want, I think we all need some form of self-protection to make it through our earthly time. The ride is constantly bumpy, but I take comfort in Big Poppa and the ones I need and who need me. If you're reading this and are curious as to where you stand in my intriguing little structure - well let's just say I wouldn't have told you about this blog if I didn't think it would matter much to you at all :)

When your knees melt and your insides turn to slush

Sometimes we have unexplained connections with people and things. Like how you just click with the girl next door. Or the boy you met at your workplace (haha Melllll). Or how you love chicken wings. Or when you know that THIS Mulberry Bayswater bag is gonna be YOUR It bag. Just because I ended the explanation with the It bag example doesn't mean that I am gonna tell you I bought one because you know what? I can't afford the exquisite Bayswater, much less a 140 pound bag from Ted Baker that makes me dribble like a retard whenever I think about its delectable gray palette, the smooth leather as squeegy as a baby's bottom, the minimal silver hardware... sxdcfvrgbthynjumkic.

Anyway, today I found my It (or very close to It status) skirt!!!!!!! Like the Dunhill ads of the old days, it has Gaya, Mutu, Keunggulan and it's from Miss Selfridge so it cost 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 yards short of a nuclear bomb. This is it I tell you. This is my Victoria-Beckham-who-shot-to-fame-with-the-Spice-Girls-wearing- a-simple-black-dress-from-Miss-Selfridge moment. Usually I have this healthy radiant glow on my face but with the skirt on, I have Christian Louboutin Pailletes Pumps on my feet and a TVR Chimera at my command; both of which make the healthy glow look like the Black Sea which isn't even black by the way. Cruel reality check - Christian Louboutin prices are way outta my league and I drive a Hyundai borrowed from grandma. But a girl can dream can't she? And this skirt is my puffy white clouds, enchanted castle, glass slipper, and handsome prince all rolled into one silky black bouncy film of fabric. In fact it is so sacred that I must REFUSE to post pictures of it until you see the magic in the flesh. Hahhaha. Actually Pooi Funn has already seen it cos she was with me when I bought it. Guess I'll have to tell mommy not to give me an Xmas present this year cos I already got myself not one, but TWO! MUAHAHAHAHHAHA. The other thing I bought? Ahh, of no significance whatsoever compared to the skirt ;)

And sometimes English people can be so rude

I printed out my assignment at the law faculty earlier and didn't have my stapler on me so I figured I'd pop into the faculty office and borrow one.

Xian : Hi, could I borrow a stapler just for a couplaseconds?
Lady : (looks at me like I am a small annoying bug she wants to squish) Nooo we don't have a stapler. We don't do that kind of thing. You know, I'm in the middle of something and you come in asking me for a stapler. Just go buy one. We are not a stationery shop.

WAS IT SOMETHING I SAID?!?!?! Bloody abrasive bitch.

Uukikikieeee (geddit En?)

Hi okay this week has been so busy that I have hardly had time for myself let alone be bothered to punctuate my sentences. oops i just did it. Okay, I'll start typing proper now cos that just looks weird and I am a person who must have everything straight or else the world will explode.

The teddy knows best

Anyway just when I was swathing myself in elation because I have finished my second assignment of the week, I suddenly remembered that I have an EU tutorial on Friday and my tutor, as nice as he is, is the only person I know who condemns Wikipedia and threatened to serve us to the Dean for dinner if he catches us paraphrasing from that awful website. He is also Dutch and has the most amazing name ever. It plays all these tricks with your tongue and you just end up going sphfflt sphfflt wabble wabble; suffice to say that I am resigned to calling him Sir. And tomorrow I will have to prepare rigorously for Friday's class.

Hahaha actually I shouldn't make myself sound like this mother goat who has absolutely no time on her hands except for her kids (my books) cos I do give myself alot of free hours in between work. I'll be playing games online, playing games on Andrea's PSP/DS, shopping online, watching TV shows online, and on a rare occasion such as today, filling my tum with Korean food aaaand... that's about it really. Suan, Flora and I really stuffed ourselves silly today. Mmmm I think must start looking for a Korean person to teach me how to cook Korean food.

Signs?

Better days, in a butt-ugly photo!

Just as my relationship with Eugene has temporarily tanked (or to be politically correct, timed out), all of a sudden the blogosphere is abuzz with posts like, How Do Couples keep the Spark Alive in Their Relationship? (by kennysia and Nicolekiss) and, my favourite, this one on the significance of fighting in a relationship by Su Ann. I am not personally acquainted with Su Ann, but I stumbled upon her blog one day and I have been checking back every week for updates ever since. I don't have a knack for complimenting people (especially when they are 18 years of age) but she seems to have a natural flair for expressing her thoughts in a manner that keeps you hooked onto every word. She doesn't use big words that affect the coherence of an article like this "unassuming" writer, and as princessy as she claims to be, I like that she also appreciates issues affecting the real world eg the judiciary debacle. And that's good, because we detest bimbos. Her writing is simple and straight to the point, wishy washiness not included.

I'll quote an excerpt from her post if you can't be bothered to read it:

"so i see now that what i used to think was perfect, actually does not exist; but what do exist are relationships that are rough around the edges, yet are centered around two people who recognize the flaws in their relationship and mutually want to work at perfecting it, while loving and supporting each other all the way. it’s all about two people who will always remain excited about each other and never want to give up at what they have."

That cut right down to the bone. I think one other important reason for why Eugene and I really need this time out is because we've come to the point where our fights only serve to breed more discord and animosity. What should be happening is that we realise that we have our differences, but we put them aside because we love each other, and we want to respect the other for who they are. A fight is just a learning process. The who's right-who's wrong argument is so passé; we should really be embracing our dissimilarities, applying it to the relationship, and from thereon continue growing and be glad that we've learned something new about our partner.

I just wish I could get out of this rut because as much as I've accepted this time out (for a month apparently, but I have a feeling it will spill over into Xmas), it's still difficult for me to get used to his absence. Even our occasional conversations sound robotic - "hi what did you do today", "oh this and that blablabla". And I know this sounds so self-centred because he has problems of his own to deal with and I'm supposed to be supportive and all, but I don't feel any love radiating from him. That makes me sad, because he really is my favourite person you know?

I know not all of you know we're on a time out, and if this post has just made you more confused about what's going on, I'll probably explain it to you when I can. I don't like myself when I'm sombre and moody, so I bought a journal the other day to pen down my thoughts. Writing out how I feel really does help. I call it my R&R, for wRiting-&-Releasing. I used to type out letters to Eugene on Microsoft Word whenever I felt I was being reasonably or unreasonably annoyed with him and after I was done, I'd save it, and two days later I'd delete it to reflect that it no longer mattered, and that I was moving on. I want to save my thoughts this time around though. I miss Eugene. Last December he blogged about being "lost at sea, on a boat in the middle of the pacific ocean, completely oblivious to the outside world. But mostly because I don't know where Xian is" :( Looks like it's gonna be a tough Christmas again this year.